I have this amazingly bad, and weird habit. I shall explain, semicolon:

I tend to be exactly what I think someone thinks I am, around them. To put that better with an example, semicolon: I think Gloria thinks I'm quiet and boring and not funny. I may not have been that way originally, that's another debate. But now, I believe she thinks I am. So now, I am. Now, when I'm around her, without even thinking about it, I'm quiet and boring and not funny. I don't think about it - it just happens.

I do that around everybody. I believe my friends think I'm too generous but confident, so around them, I'm generous and confident. I believe some people on my cross-country team think I'm gay, so I act a little more gay around them. I believe Rehaan thinks I'm a little stupid, so around him, I seem a little more stupid. It becomes a vicious cycle.

That's why I've been trying to make first impressions so important. If I don't convince myself that they like me, I won't be confident and I'll act like an idiot in front of them.

And I should stop. Why in the world should I have to rely on first impressions?

Why do I do it?

I'd like the answer to be because I have a habit of giving people what they want, down to the subconscious. I wish I was truly generous, but that's physically impossible.

Perhaps it's because I'm shapeable. If someone wants to change me (not too drastically), they can, and I just want to help them because it's easier. I don't want to stand up for who I am, I want them to decide who I am for me. My guess is that's actually what's going on.

Why do I have no confidence that the way I act is the right way?

If someone asked me, "Are you sure about moral values?" I would instantly start to run through everything and wonder if everything I ever thought by myself was wrong. Every time I decided to do something, that was based on the wrong decision. I wouldn't stop thinking about it, and I would try to change my moral values, even if they were totally fin.

But why do I have no confidence that the way I act is the right way?

Probably because the way I act IS the wrong way. Or, at least, I believe it is. My morals might be right, my actions might all make total sense, whatever. But I feel like everything I do is probably wrong, and everything I'd think to do has some negative outcome.

And of course it won't, but I take no risks, and I just speculate about myself and don't bother to change myself. Which, let me say, is a lot easier, and makes for better emo discussion topics, or JOURNAL (not diary) entries.

I suppose, that after thinking about this all on paper, the moral of the story here is, slow and steady wins the race.